Bring up the Footlights cause The Boyz are BACK!

(DWTS Week 1 Part 1 Recap)

And we're LIIIIIIVE!! Yes, all you hoofers, hep cats, and ballroom aficionados, we are back for another season of DWTS. Who would have thunk it that a ballroom dance show that debuted back in the summer of 2005 would have lasted this long? Obviously, America thinks ballroom dancing is pretty groovy and over the past 8 seasons we have seen various stars blaze across our TV screens in their attempts to wow us with their dancing skillz. Admittedly, we have seen abilities that have ranged from the "Two Left Feet" all the way to some Fred or Ginger caliber dancing. So who was rhythmically challenged and who glided across the dance floor with grace and poise? Let's find out . . . .

The boy dancers kicked off the show with a spirited dance number to The Boyz are Back in Town then kicked it over to Big Tom and Sammy. Sammy looked nice in her dress (costumers must have liked her last week), though she was a bit freakishly skinny for my taste. Big Tom was his usual amusing and charming self. He did the intros to all of the contestants as they did the parade down the stairs routine. No one fell so thats always a plus.

Then we heard that this season there's gonna be more stars performing during the results shows, some more pro dancing along the way, and some new challenges for the stars, blah, blah, blah. Let's see some dancing, folks!

First up was Aaron Carter and Karina. I liked how they did a short intro for the dance pros this season. (Way to recognize the talent DWTS) Anyway, Aaron is a singer who became famous while still in training pants. I mean, did you see the video clip of him back when he was like 8 that they showed? Now he's all grown up and well . . . not so famous right now which means he had plenty of time to go on this show. Heh. Anyway, he said in rehearsal that he wouldn't have a problem if he had a beautiful dance pro to teach him. (Real deep there, Aaron.) Does DWTS have an ugly dance pro male or female? I mean, seriously. So they rehearsed the Cha-Cha-Cha and he wore a pair of rolled up jeans showing his skinny calves with the high healed dancer shows. (NOT a good look.) Aaron struggles with focusing which seems to be the affliction of the young on this show so was he able to wow the judges? They began their Cha-Cha and Aaron didn't look bad, just a bit stiff at times and not a lot of hip action. Len thought Aaron showed a lot of potential but was a bit stiff in the routine. Bruno dubbed Aaron "Spikey" so that will be a good nickname for him this season. Carrie Ann commented that Spikey Boy is all grown up now and showed lots of energy but struggled with maintaining control on the dance floor. SCORE: 22.

Next up was Chuck Liddell & Anna T. Anna said that Chuck is the MACHO man she has ever seen. And this Macho Man was dancing the Foxtrot. Chuck stated that part of his reason for doing DWTS is that he wanted to show his softer side. (Good luck with that, Chuck. You may be all flying feet of fury in the CAGE matches but not so much on the dance floor.) They danced the Foxtrot and he lacked timing and was just plain clunky. Didn't show the Warren Sapp Big Man grace that's for sure. Bruno called him the Gentle Neanderthal and said Chuck looked rough in the routine and had poor footwork. Carrie Ann said he was not graceful, but was smooth and charming. (Ummm . . . no, Carrie.) Len thought Chuck did much better than Len thought he would and told Chuck to get in touch with his femine side to improve his grace. Len? This is Macho Man! There is NO femine side, dude! Just before the scores are given Sammy Harris, in her usual inept and silly way, said that the judges were harsh on Aaron so was Chuck concerned about his scores? Harsh? How were they harsh, Sammy? It's the first dance and Aaron deserved the scores he received. (Be quiet now, Sammy.) Anna T. did remind us that people shouldn't be too harsh on the Macho Man cause he can hurt you . . . bad. Heh. SCORE: 16

Mark Dacascos and Lacey danced next. I LOVED the intro to Mark with his Iron Chef America Host clip. Tonight's secret ingredient . . . . OCTOPUUUUSSSSSSS!!!!!!! I've tried octopuss. YUK! Still, it was amusing. Mark has a Martial Arts background and we saw some of his moves and he was pretty impressive. Seems like a nice guy and he showed some potential in rehersal. Mark said he wants Lacey to be his mentor and master and does a slight bow to her like she's his dancing sensei. (Mark is now . . . Grasshopper!) I'm not big fan of Lacey as I thought she got off on the wrong foot (pun intended) her first season trying to be ALL that and got slapped down by the judges (deservedly so btw) so we'll see if she has backed off some more this season on the attitude. Mark and Lacey danced the Cha-Cha-Cha to Kung-Fu Fighting. HEE! LOVE that song. Good first routine. He showed decent footwork, some actual hip action, and good lines. LOTS of Martial Arts moves which Lenny typically doesn't like that sort of thing so . . . Anyway, Carrie Ann loved the Asian theme and way to represent. (Kristi Yamaguchi hangs her head in shame.) She said Mark showed LOTS of potential but his arms were too Woo-Choo. Always quick with the comeback, Big Tom asked Carrie if Woo-Choo was a technical dance term. Heh! Len is NOT a fan of gimmicks (Which Lacey should know this by now) so wasn't happy about all the Kung-Fu in the Foxtrot and wanted to see MORE dancing and less Hi-Yah! And Len doesn't want to see the Kung-Fu in every dance Mark does this season. Big Tom points out this is only the FIRST dance of the season. (Seriously, chillax Len! Sheesh.) Bruno said Mark lost his timing and footwork at moments to the booing of he audience but that Mark showed talent. (Bruno being a bad ass judge. Heh, heh, heh) Backstage before the scores Mark talks about his Man Boobs which was funny. SCORE: 21 Big Tom told the viewing audience that they too could develop their own Man Boobs so stay tuned and threw it to commercial.

Back from commercial the next pair was Ashley Hamilton & Edyta. Ok, first of all, Ashley?? Seriously, George? YOU named your son Ashely?? (Tan Man what were you thinking?!?!?!) And second, poor Edyta is saddled with another Hamilton partner. Someone in casting must have been really unhappy with Edyta for that to happen. Edyta mentioned in her intro that she is ALL woman. (Yeah, sweetheart, and you were the dancing costumes to prove it.) In the rehearsal footage, Edyta said that at first Ashley looked like the perfect ballroom dancing material . . . but then not so much. Aahhh, like father like son. Snort!! We also discovered that Ashley was in a terrible accident a few years ago and so he is part of the ranks of the dancing wounded that we have seen on this show. (Seriously, is there an extremely short supply of healthy males that can or want to dance on this show??) So Ashley & Edyta (No, not two women. Ashley is a guy . . . really.) danced the Foxtrot and though he wasn't absolutely horrible, he wasn't all that good either. His biggest probem was that he sucked the energy right out of that routine. (Back in acting classes years ago we called actors that did that on stage Black Holes.) He even sucked the energy from Edyta which is pretty amazing accomplishment. Ashley was just blah with too slow movements even for the Foxtrot. Len said that Ashley had all the basic steps correct, but that he lacked finesse and there was an overall roughness. Bruno commented that Ashley lacked showmanship (Dead man foxtroting) and Ashley needs to sell it. Carrie Ann agreed and told Ashley that he didn't define himself. (Probably cause he's got a GIRLS name) SCORE: 15

Donny Osmond and Kym. DONNEEEEEEE!!! Everyone who saw Marie on DWTS just KNEW that one day Donny would try it. Hee! There was some funny rehearsal footage about Donny being embarassed about having to hold Kym while she spins in his arms, causing Kym's chest to brush across Donny's hand. LOLOL! Donny is trying to prove that Marie isn't the only dancer in the Osmond clan. (Ah, yes, sibling rivalry. What fun!) Donny and Kym danced the Foxtrot and whereas Ashley lacked showmanship, Donny has it in spades. Seriously, the guy can perform and was light on his feet, graceful, and had decent lines throughout. In his excitement, Donny did get a little spazzy at the conclusion of the routine, but ok. Bruno liked the showmanship but Donny's shoulders were too slouched. Carrie Ann admitted that Donny is and would be a fan favorite, but that she wants to see the foot work, etc. Lenny, the stick in the mud, didn't like all the Razzamatazz. Big Tom informed all those dancing at home - NO kung fu or razzamatazz. Thanks Big Tom. SCORE: 20

Another relatively unknown was up next as Louie Vito and Chelsie danced the Foxtrot. In the intro footage we learned that Louie is a snowboarder training for the Olympics and . . . he's short. Seriously, the dude isn't much taller than Chelsie who is a tiny dancer. (Hold me closer . . .) We also saw that Louie is sportin the mop head hairstyle. (At least if he's votted out soon he can stay connected with DWTS by letting the custodial crew us him for cleaning off the dance floor) In the rehearsal footage, Louie complained about how frustrated he was when he couldn't get the dance steps down the first time he learned them. (Cause you can't dance, dude.) I will say that as they danced the Foxtrot together, Louie and Chelsie looked really cute. (So nice when the wee folk dance, saints preserve us) Though they looked good together, Louie looked stiff to me and struggled with his timing. Carrie Ann said she was surprised by his performance. However, she did say it was obvious he hadn't danced before. (She is a sharp one.) She also said that she liked how Louie respected the dance. Len totally dissed on Louie's hair (Oh, Lenny, you oldster, you.) Bruno called Louie a dancing hobbit. (Hee!) He shall now be known as . . . Louie Baggins the halfling dancer. So Bruno went on to tell the halfling that he lacked fluidity, he fell twice, and needs to keep working. SCORE: 19

Our next guy celebrity dancer and pro for the evening was Michael Irvin & Anna D. dancing the Cha-Cha-Cha. Why is ex-NFL hall of famer Michael Irvin on this show? Cause Jerry Rice was on the show and has a rivalry with Jerry Rice and Michael's determined to beat Jerry's scores, etc. (Oh, joy. Sigh) Anna D. tries to get Michael's non-moving hips to shake so she has him use a Hula Hoop. Michael at one point during rehearsal stopped and asked himself, "Why am I doing this? What was I thinking?" (Cause your a fame whore, dude!) Michael said that Jerry Rice got a 21 for his Cha-Cha-Cha so Michael was trying to beat that score. (Uh, huh. Yeah. Good luck with that.) Not sure about using James Brown's "I Feel Good" for the Cha-Cha-Cha, but ok. I thought Michael was a little heavy footed at times but didn't do too bad. He tried to work the hips . . . knida. Len said Michael's dancing wasn't great, but he got up in Anna's face about the lack of content which I agree was lacking in their Cha-Cha-Cha. Len further commented that he hoped Michael did better in the upcoming Dancing Relay as Michael's Cha-Cha-Cha wouldn't save him. (Oh, HARSH!!) Bruno admitted Michael is a crowd pleaser but footwork, timing, and content were all out. Michael needs to bring in ALL the dance stuff. Carrie Ann also got after Anna about the choreography's lack of content which seems to be a problem at times for the newbie pros. They need to learn what the judges want to see. She did say that Michael had MORE charisma than Jerry had so . . . take that, Jerry! Backstage Sammy goes off on how hard the judges have been on the celebrity stars all evening like SHE knows anything. (Seriously, Sammy, quiet down. You're annoying people.) Michael said he was already a success in his own mind. SCORE: 13 (Jerry - "I feel good, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH!")

Our LAST star of the evening (Finally! Whew!) was Tom Delay and Cheryl dancing the Cha-Cha-Cha. It SO saddens me that one of my favorite dance pros, Cheryl Burke, is saddled this season with this guy who has little to NO chance of winning. Sigh. Oh, well. We see rehearsal footage and its just . . . sad. His biggest fear is that he would embarass himself while on DWTS (The Majority of us share that fear, Tom). He did make a funny joke about his inability to go "left." Still, I don't think Tom will last long in this competition. I will say though that the dance performance was better than I would have imagined. No Steve Wozniak here. He did some actual Cha-Cha-Cha steps and his pointing and winking at Bruno was a hoot. Bruno called Tom "crazier than Sarah Palin." Bruno did admit that the little Cha-Cha-Cha Tom did during the hand wasn't too bad. Carrie Ann said it was surreal but that Tom was light on his feet and had natural grace. It was also nice that Tom was dancing for the older crowd. (Carrie Ann's all about the representing tonight.) Len said that parts were magic, parts were tragic (Cleveh boy that Lenny). The Cha-Cha-Cha parts were good but the rest? Not so much. SCORE: 16

The last part of the night's dancing was dedicated to The Dancing Relaaaayyys! Big Tom explains all the ins and outs of the Dancing teams and relays and he introduces the first Relay team dancing the Salsa:

Ashley "Black Hole" Hamilton & Edyta
Louie "Baggins" Vito & Chelsie
Donny Osmond & Kym
Chuck "Macho Man" & Anna T.

They all danced for about 30 seconds and it was VERY interesting to see all the dancers side by side. As Carrie Ann said, Donny? He smoked them all. Although, at times Donny does need to dial back the enthusiasm some. So Donny earned a 10, Louie an 8, Chuck a 6, Ashley a 4.

The next Dance Relay Team dancing the Viennese Waltz was:

Mark "Grasshopper" Dacascos & Lacey
Aaron "Spikey Boy" Carter & Karina
Michael "Jerry's Rival" Irvin & Anna D.
Tom Delay & Cheryl

Aaron took this round with a 10 followed by Mark (8), Michael (6), and Tom (4).

Overall the Men's Scores for Week 1:

Aaron Carter - 32
Donny Osmond - 30
Mark Dacascos - 29
Louie Vito - 27
Chuck Liddell - 22
Tom Delay - 20
Ashley Hamilton - 19
Michael Irvin - 19

Next up the ladies take to the floor as Premier night continues . . .