The Halfway Hustle
(DWTS Week 5 Recap)

Big Tom and . . . uh . . . Big Hair Sammy opened Week Five's Performance Night. (Hey, Sammy? Madona called. She wants her "Material Girl" costume back. Sheesh.)

Our first competitor for the night was Natalie (Million $ Mermaid) Coughlin and Alec dancing the Paso Doble. In Rehearsal, Alec told Natalie that the Paso Doble is all about POWER instead of romance and that set well with Natalie whose not into the romance, dude. As they rehearsed, Natalie began peppering Alec with non-stop dance technique questions and Alec finally told her she needs to question less and dance more. (Heh! Debi Mazar STILL lives on, folks!) Natalie donned her Supergirl costume for the Paso routine and danced to American Woman. I thought she showed some power but lacked the passionate intensity/ aggression that the Paso demands. Len complimented Natalie in that she is a very accomplished dancer but lacked aggression. She needed more character and chemistry between her and Alec. Bruno called Natalie "Wonder Woman" but that her routine was wonder less and should have had more conviction. Carrie Ann called Natalie a great student but dinged Natalie and Alec on the "lift" they did and Natalie needed to extend more. SCORE: 22

Next up was Aaron "Shed My Tears" Carter and Karina. Aaron said after last week's performance that he doesn't want to turn people off. (Then don't be a crybaby, dude!) In rehearsal for the Argentine Tango, Karina instructed Aaron to turn her ON. However, she admitted it would be hard to do as she is a cold, hearted beetch. (HEE!) Karina brought in some pro dancers to help Aaron learn the routine. (Hmm, and here I thought volunteering at a homeless shelter instead of learning to DANCE was how the celebrity would become better at dancing, ABC.) Aaron's Argentine Tango was an improvement over last week's dance, but I still have a hard time believing Aaron as a Latin lover type dancer. (Bruno was right before - Aaron is NO Gilles Marini) Bruno said that Aaron did exactly what Bruno wanted and that he looked like Robert Patterson dancing the tango in Twilight. (Yeah, right. Whatever) Carrie Ann to Aaron: ~Kees, Kees~ Excellent. Len remarked that Aaron had seemed like he was lost in the woods these past weeks but Aaron's finally come back to daddy. (Len = Aaron's daddy? Eww) SCORE: 24

The Playmaker, Michael Irvin, and Anna D danced the Paso Doble and both Michael Irvin and Anna thought the Paso would be Michael's dance cause the Paso is all about Passion and Aggression. Anna tried to get Michael to get his hips more forward and told him to think about holding a nickle in his butt cheeks and Michael went one better - he actually got a coin and put it in the crack, man! (DON'T ask Mike for some change anytime soon, folks.) In the performance, Michael started off strong and aggressive and then seemed to loose it at times throughout. Still, it was a better routine than his Bolero so . . . Carrie Ann thought it was her favorite dance so far. Len said Michael's posture was good, liked the knee walk, and that it was better than last week's Bolero. Bruno told Michael to keep the nickel in his butt cause its working for him. SCORE: 21

Oh, my, Mya and Dmitry followed Mike with their Argentine Tango and in rehearsal we learned that Dmitry was putting together a very intricate routine with lifts, etc. Then Mya smacks Dmitry a couple of times and then they go and spend time volunteering for Habitat for Humanity. (Cause NOTHING prepares you for a VERY intricate Argentine Tango like spending precious rehearsal time banging nails into wood. Right ABC?) The performance? Let's just say Mya was STILL on Fi-yah and burned it down with her Tango. Seriously. Len said he's never sure what he's going to like, but Mya's Tango? He LIKED it. Bruno thought it was precise with sophistication but needs to keep the emotional connection. Carrie Ann said that Mya moves so well and also thought it lacked the emotional connection. SCORE: 27

Mark Dacascos and Lacey danced the Paso Doble and in rehearsal Lacey explained that in the Paso, Lacey's the bull. (And that ain't no.) Lacey instructed Mark to be scary matador and be very masculine. Oh, and that he would have a solo. (No pressure there) The performance was intense and aggressive. Well done, Mark. Bruno thought Mark looked like Mephisto, the Red Devil, and that Mark was ON it and it was sharp! Carrie Ann said it had POWER and was very exciting. Len said the Paso had to have Posture, Passion, and Performance. Mark had all three. SCORE: 26

Mr. Showman himself, Donny Osmond, and Kym were next with their Argentine Tango. The rehearsal footage showed Kym telling Donny that the Tango needs to be his most passionate dance and whether Donny understands what that means. Donny reminds her that he has FIVE kids. (Hee!) Donny also reminded viewers at home that he has an insanely busy schedule but he loves the Argentine Tango and just hopes it loves him. They perform their Argentine Tango and first of all they made a really cute couple out on the dance floor and also . . . they totally nailed that routine. (Take that Aaron "Wheepah" Carter!) Carrie Ann said the Tango LOVES Donny and that women fell in love with him cause he was so darn sexy. Len loved the intensity, the light and shade, and it was Donny's best dance yet. Bruno said that finally Donny Osmond has become Donny Darko and his routine was sharp and dangerous. Donny said to Bruno that it was Bruno who took him there. (Ah, the bromance lives!) SCORE: 29 (Kym looked gobsmacked at their score which was hilarious.)

Louie Vito of the Shire and Chelsie of the Two Towers also danced the Argentine Tango and in rehearsal Louie said he was willing to step it up and Chelsie said it would be crucial that Louie be sexy and macho for the dance. Louie admitted that he needed to PERFORM or go home. Now, I will admit that Louie and Chelsie make a really cute couple but Vito seemed a bit stiff. His footwork didn't appear to be as sharp as it should have been. Tough that he had to follow Donny for the SAME dance. Len wasn't expecting a lot but was surprised and said it was Louie's best dance so far. Bruno thought they had great storytelling but that Louie was still stepping instead of dancing. Carrie Ann also said it was pedestrian but it was good partnering with Chelsie. SCORE: 22

And then it was Melissa Joan Hart, the not so Teenage Witch, along with Mark also dancing the Argentine Tango. Mark said in rehearsal that there would be no more going lower than three eights on the paddles. Mark was suffering from the FLU (Nice mask, dude) so Anya stepped in to rehearse with Melissa and that helped Melissa. Anya told Melissa to keep the "girls" up for better posture. (Snort!) Melissa wants to do well with the Tango and show she's not a one week wonder. For the performance, Melissa was not too bad. Unfortunately, Mark was still a bit under the weather and looked really pale. (Ok, now Mark looked like Edward Cullen dancing the Tango, Bruno). Speaking of Bruno, he said that Melissa lost it a few times on footwork and maintaining her character. Carrie Ann disagreed with Bruno in that she thought Melissa nailed the character even though there were a few stumbles. Still, did very well. Len thought Melissa and Mark lacked a connection but did well in coping with some difficult choreography. SCORE: 23

Kelly Osbourne and Louis danced the Paso Doble and in rehearsal Louis explained to Kelly that she would be . . . the cape. Kelly? Wasn't feeling the cape so much. And Kelly's a giggler. Louis told her stay focused and that they would be dancing to an Ozzy Osbourne song. (Seriously? You WANT to go there??) When they started the routine I thought, "Kelly! Your HAIR!! Bride of Frankenstein LIVES!! Not sure Crazy Train worked for the Paso but whatever. Wasn't bad, but Kelly didn't seem as focused as she needed to be for a Paso. (Louis went for the vampire look AGAIN. Sigh. I bet he LOVED Twilight. SQUEEEE!) Carrie Ann said Kelly needed to stay in character throughout and lost it a few times. Len said Kelly didn't have the character of the song and needed more authority for a Paso Doble. Bruno did acknowledge that it was a difficult routine, but Kelly still needed to stay ON IT throughout the dance so . . . SCORE: 24

Our last dancing pair tonight was a NEW couple: Joanna Krupa and Maks dancing the Argentine Tango. In rehearsal footage we saw Derek hit by the dreaded flu and sweating like a pig so he was sidelined. Maks stepped in to sub for Derek and since Maks and Joanna learned the full routine, Derek thought it best that Maks dance with Joanna on Performance night. Their performance started really well and Joanna's dress was smoldering (long, cool woman in a black dress . . ). Joanna and Maks danced really close and it was sensuous and hot and then . . . it happened. An OBVIOUS stumble during the routine. (Oh, the shame of it all!) Still, they had some really nice lifts and turns and overall it was looking real good for Joanna. Bruno was living his fantasies up until the stumble and said it was fabulous. Len said getting a new partner is like getting a new pair of shoes. It takes a while to break them in. Great job. Carrie Ann also said Joanna did a great job and too bad about the stumble but Joanna and Maks had good chemistry throughout. SCORE: 24

The last segment of the night was the Group Dance featuring - The Hustle. It didn't count for scores but was a lot of fun and nostalgic for those of us who actually remember the Disco era. All the competitors had fun but I SO think DWTS missed an opportunity by not putting Donny O. in a John Travolta Saturday Night Fever white suite with black dress shirt costume as they could have blown dried Donny's hair to look like Travolta's and it would have been GREAT. (The costume they put him in for the dance number was VERY disappointing. I mean, that wig? Puh-lease!)

Well, that wrapped up Week 5 and we're halfway done with this season's DWTS. Donny O. topped the score chart for Week 5 with an impressive 29 and the Results show will reveal who will be alive to dance another day so don't miss it.